...::.raindrops.::...

Sunday, August 10, 2008

"It's you. All along, it's been you."

It's a pity, but I have to admit, after ten million years, here I am, still hopelessly devoted to him. The same person I've been blogging about for almost four years now. Yep, it's about him, and my non-existent, unrequited lovelife.

I know, you've all gotten tired of hearing about him. Yes, I know I have to get over him, sooner or later. Somehow, I think I did, once upon a time when I was too busy stressing about my newfound life in the real world. But somehow, I always find a way to fall for him, again.

And they're not always sob stories, believe me. I am almost always happy when I'm with him, the sad part only comes when it's time to leave and say our goodbyes. Unfortunately, I don't get to see him too often, so that it looks as if I'm a heartbroken, hopeless romantic.

It's embarassing, but I still read his text messages over and over again, like I used to four years ago. It doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same way. If he doesn't stress about me as much as he did once upon a time in third year college, when we called each other "best friends".

What matters is the fact that when I'm with him, I'm happy. And that I know I'd love him no matter what. Even if he gets fat, or realizes he's gay, or if he gets a girlfriend. I'd still love him. Someday, I'd move on, and I know I'd still love him, though I may not be in love with him anymore. Mushy, yeah. I know. :)

So, I'm so sorry guys, because you may read about him in my future blog posts. I know, it's pathetic. I just can't help it. He makes me want to write stories and songs and mushy blog entries. He makes me want to do the things I love. :) He keeps me inspired and dreamy and happy. So you may have to bear with it, just for a little while, perhaps..

(Now all I need to work on is how not to mis-text him when I'm gushing about things like this. I have to be careful, because he's first in my phonebook, and probably first in yours too.)

Yep. All along. It's been him. :)

Friday, July 25, 2008

Last Wednesday, something happened that made me realize I do not belong in the corporate world. Or the call center world, for that matter. I should be out there in the lab, in med school studying for weekly exams or maybe I should be writing songs with my guitar. But of course, in the real world, you have to be practical, and you have to pay for some mistakes. Mistakes I did back in college. So instead of studying hard maintaining a med scholarship I ended up here, talking to sarcastic Britons who don't know simple arithmetic. It was the practical thing to do, the money’s good, plus it pays for my siblings’ college tuition. But it was far from perfect.

On my first day of work I thought hey, this seems familiar. Just like the first day of class – people are quiet, shy, you’d introduce yourself, and meet new friends. But somebody should have told me that this is not school as I know it. You see, I grew up without having to deal with school bullies, popular “mean girls”, jerk/ player types and back-stabbing best friends who badmouth you because they want to sleep with the guy you’re close with. That was high school in the movies. Well. You get to meet them all here in the office. Welcome to a different kind of high school. Welcome to the real world.

And so I learned my lesson the hard way. There’s S, who was my best friend in our training class. She had a loving husband and had two kids with him. She later stabbed me in the back, made me look like I was the bad guy, slept with the guy I was close with, and later resigned when people started to talk. Almost everybody knew the reason she resigned, except me, her “best friend”. I was so mad when I heard about the two-faced slut; I swore I’d kill her if I ever saw her again. She did go back to the office after 9 months for clearance. 9 months. Yep, you got it right, she was pregnant. No, I didn’t kill her. I realized I have better things to do than be charged with murder. I just put on my fakest smile and shook her hand. No besos.

Office gossip is essential in this world. They wouldn’t survive without it. Of course, there’s a good reason gossip thrives in here. People here do things that make them quite an interesting topic for lunch. Friends say things behind your back yet you still remain friends- and close friends at that. Guys gawk(and I mean gawk) at sexy girls, regardless if they’re already married or not. The jerk/player types? Well, they talk to your boobs and not to your face. Pretty girls wear revealing clothes, and the unpretty ones who are jealous of the pretty girls wear something that shows more skin. Of course, do not forget power-tripping, sexual liaisons in and out, and money, money, money. Yes, our bonuses sometimes get spent on 5-star hotel suites. And you ask why gossip thrives in here. People really give you a LOT to talk about.

What pisses me the most is the sex talk. You don’t just drill someone about it and expect a happy, cheerful response. Especially if you’re all guys and she’s the only girl in the room. Especially if you pressure her into answering your question whether she’s done the deed before or not. Especially if you make snotty remarks that every girl has done it with you as a rite of passage, and that you are willing to give her that chance of a lifetime. Hell, they could charge you with sexual harassment for that. So beware of the jerk/player types. You’d know if you’re dealing with them. J/P’s walk with an air of angas as if they’re God’s gift to girls. And they have lots of kids, all with different women. Lahat panganay.

You can’t just find a new job because you bet, you’d meet the same kind of people in almost every other company. It’s like a plague. It spreads from one place to another (as people change jobs) and is highly contagious. You’ve got to be on guard, else you wake up one day becoming one of them.

That’s why I don’t think I can belong here. I won’t fit in. My normal outfit consists of a nice t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops. I don’t wear dresses and I don’t find it weird that I don’t have an evening ritual where I splash cream and stuff on my face. I know I’m not a girly girl but that doesn’t mean I’m lesbian, hello?

Gone are the days when the only things I worry about are exams. Those old times when the only things we talk about are of our sweet, innocent love lives and the occasional gossip about our classmates who may or may not be an item. Gone are those days when we can raise our hands and tell our teacher that the formula she has written on the blackboard may be wrong. Try this in the real world, and you get spiteful remarks about being a know-it-all. Worse, people wouldn’t believe you; they’d get irked, and get irritated even more once they learn that you are, actually, right. Well. I better just keep my mouth shut and start conforming to the ‘rules’ or end up getting hated by people.

Sometimes, I’d daydream I’m back in college, finishing my studies, but of course with different classmates. UP wouldn’t feel the same. But that’s a different story.

For now, I just have to keep quiet and do my job. That is, until I get pissed off again and write another entry on this blog.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

there go the heartbreak, the tears, the back pages of my bio 102 notebook scrawled with thoughts of my oh-so-complicated lovelife. say goodbye to the mushy quotes and the bitter blog posts. adieu hopeless romantic kamille, no more pining away with unrequited love. it's done, it's finished, period. it's the end.

someone once told me that i always seem to find somebody to be in love with. if i do get to move on, i almost always develop feelings for someone who would eventually be my next dreamboat. and although it seems pathetic that i rebound everytime i get brokenhearted, it doesn't make me a user--because the panakipbutas, after a time, becomes the new object of my affection.

there's nothing wrong with that, they say. i'm still young, so i should be like this, carefree and inlove with life. this is the time to be a hopeless romantic, to be sentimental, to have the kilig moments.

the problem is, when i took a step away from college and walked down the streets of the real world, i also said goodbye to my wonderland of colorful chervahs. of course, i enjoy the perks of spending my own money (oh yes people, i do real shopping now, when i used to just do window-shopping before hehehe!), and i have now become a workaholic (i even volunteer for OT on my days off). it's all about me now. but somehow, there's something missing. and i know exactly what it is, but i just don't know how to get it. how to have it again.

you see, i was never always happy when i was desperately in love, but when i was happy, i was in cloud nine. you'd see me smiling at the sight of a giant billboard or laughing at a thought out of the blue. i couldn't form sentences without mentioning his name (ok, that was exaggerating it. hehe). and i'd have the strength to be up all night, writing memories in my diary and cutting letters out of magazine pages for a birthday card. and although an ocean of tears were shed in my ma-chervah past, it didn't matter to me as much as the kilig moments did. *sigh*

i miss you, i miss pining for you. and it's weird because it doesn't feel the same anymore. maybe that's one reason i didn't want to let go. because i knew once i decided to move on, i'd have to accept that the story is over, and that it doesn't have a fairytale ending. and yeah, i'd have to accept that i'm not inlove with you anymore.

i don't know about you, but i'm not living happily ever after.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

you are the most exhausting thing that has ever happened to me. it's difficult to be with you, and to understand everything, even though i try to. and i try so hard that i feel so frustrated at myself for not being able to do something about it.

you are exhausting. everyday with and without you is exhausting. with all those adolescent wars you've been waging everytime when we're together-- and you admit you enjoy every minute of it. and how you seem to have the attention span of a five-year old kid.

but even without your annoying face in front of me you still manage to drive me into my little miseries--crying because i'm tired of thinking about you and the complexities that simple happy-go-lucky you can amazingly bring.

but maybe i need to be exhausted. to bicker until we're too tired to talk, and until i just end up resting my head on your shoulder. to wrinkle that forehead trying to remember that certain word until we just end up changing the topic since we're too tired to think. i need this weird kind of connection we have, which cannot be bonded within ordinary friendship circumstances. this, which makes us think of phrases that don't make any sense. (yes, that includes you calling me echosera.)

i'm writing about it, because again you manage to inspire me with your kind cruelty. you're my energizer bunny--you keep going, and going, and going...

you never stop. and i don't want you to.

i need to be exhausted. so please, my little devil, just stay. :)

Sunday, February 03, 2008

yes, here it comes. again it's that time of the year when it's not illegal to gush over lovey-dovey couples while they're Holding-Hands-While-Walking-Pa-Sway-Sway-Pa (HHWWPSSP). of course, its valentine's day. or for those like me, it's the SAD. singles awareness day, i mean.

and you have no escape when it comes to the curse of the love month. you go out, and see constant reminders of how painfully single (and pathetic) you are. you ride the bus, and there he is, you again see his (very common) name on billboards! the movies are all about falling in love, so you go home, and watch tv instead, but the tv has been invaded by the love bug as well. i'm sorry, but there's no escaping single-dom. pity me.

yes, i'm the sweety-romantic girl turned sour. or bitter. and i'm sorry if i'm already ruining it for those who've found true love. i'm just jealous perhaps. because once upon a time i used to celebrate v-day, whether in blushing kilig-ness or in tears. and now i have no chorvah to celebrate it with, i don't have someone to pine for, to send secret love notes to, to share happy moments, to hold hands with..

this valentine's day, i won't have someone to ride the octopus in the UP fair with. i won't have this girl to get jealous of. i won't be competing with someone for the best birthday gift, the best birthday surprise. i won't have that yellow rose that he once promised. i won't have him. anymore.

my friend once told me that all my loves had an expiration date - they only last three years. which is, a very long time. and maybe, the reason why i'm bitter about the love month is because it actually saddens me to finally let my feelings for him go. why, this isn't supposed to expire until the 14th! but when you've lost a lot and you have nothing to hold on to, you have to let go, shouldn't you?

strange as it is, i'm still in love with him yet i'm getting over him. the process of moving on may be slow, but at least i'm moving inches from my desperate past. and i should move on alone, because as he once noticed, i tend to rebound, and my rebounds last years. just like before, when i fell for him.

i don't think he really cared for me though. maybe he stuck with me because he thought i liked him. a lot. well he was right about me, just like the fact that i was wrong, really wrong about him.

i've got the curse all around me and the sickness lasts a month. i'd probably survive though, with a box of tissues tucked inside my bag. come march, the love curse is gone. or maybe not, as someone's celebrating his birthday around that month. and nope, it's not the 16th or the 22nd (hear, hear! 22nd daw o). *sigh*

it's the singles awareness day! be aware, i'm single. beware. *sniff*

Sunday, January 27, 2008

kung gusto mo talaga malaman kung ano ang iniisip ko, then this is for you:

kamille jasmine has a new blog.

update your links if you want to, pero please comment and let me know. :D

hindi ako nagsisinungaling dun. hehe.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

early morning sickness...meaning, early dawn. at around one to three in the morning. i'm watching reruns again, and then it hits me. i realize how my life feels like one. i see myself repeating the same mistakes i've done over and over again like watching reruns of old tv shows. bittersweet memories flash before me as if they're telling me how this particular episode of the story of my life will end. always the same, just like before.

but i can't help it if i don't recognize the symptoms, can i? how do i know if it's the real thing? how do i know if i'm already standing in the same spot i've been standing in before? i can't. so i'd just be okay, until i'm not. i'd be happy but suddenly i'd cry when i'm alone. i'd be okay, until i wake up with a bump on my head, not knowing i just fell down the stairs. i'd just be okay, perky me, happy, bubbly, until suddenly, i'm not.

talk about getting confused on being confused. i don't know if i'm really confused about this thing or not. malungkot lang siguro ako. i don't know.

and sometimes, i feel like i just need to hear it from you and then i'm back to normal. i know where i stand. and i'm happy about it. i start thinking of something else.

but when you disappear, here comes the morning sickness. maybe i need to get away, for some time. because maybe, probably, i'm addicted to you, and i can't just quit you cold-turkey. i have to suffer the withdrawal symptoms first before i could forget.

i'm sick, and i can't accept that you may be the only cure, because that means i won't be able to stop. and i have to, because i know that i'd always love you more than you'd ever do.

but then again, it's never easy to quit something you really like, is it?

i still don't like you like you though. i promise.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

pucha. ang korni ko. haha! hindi ako nakapanood ng kickoff ng up centennial kasi akala ko bukas pa yun. haha! sinong tanga? patext text pako, tapos na pala.. haha! leche! hay. oh well, oh well.

tuwing madaling araw (mga 1 to 2am) inaatake ako ng kakaibang lungkot sa bahay. usually habang nanonood ng friends, one tree hill, will and grace, at kung anu anu pang lumang series na reruns lang ang pinapalabas. tapos naaalala ko itong isang weird na bagay na pinoproblema ko though hindi ko naman actually sha problema. gets? haha. malabo. tapos ayun, malulungkot na naman ako, maiiyak na naman ako, magkakaroon ako ng sudden urge to text people about it. kahit vague.

parang ngayon. 2am at sa sobrang vagueness ng pinagsasasabi ko eh wala kayong naintindihan sa post kong ito. pero at least di naman ako mashadong nalulungkot ngayon to the point na maiiyak ako. di pa kasi ako nanonood ng reruns ng mga palabas ng etc at star world. mamaya. haha.

*start of rant list*

1. naiinis ako sa taong to na di ko maintindihan kung anu. pwede ba, kung friends talaga tayo, friends talaga? wag ung friends minsan, tas minsan di ka kasali. haha! parang bata. pls, let me know. are you a friend, an enemy, or the FRENEMY?

2. itong problema kong ito *ayan na naman tayo* na ako lang ang may alam kahit problema ng ibang tao. hindi ko alam kung anu ba ang lecheng dapat kong gawin, except to wish for this particular thing to happen. at itong particular thing eh magkocause lang ng sandamakmak na panonood ng reruns ng madaling araw at pagluha ng sandamakmak at sandamakmak ding wrinkles. oh Lord huhu what am i suppposed to do!

3. maraming tao sa paligid ay mga plastik at backstabbers, at normal na sa kanila ang ganun. yung tipong pag wala si ganito eh kung anu ano ang naririnig ko, and then pag anjan na si ganito eh closeness sila. anu be itech! friends ko naman sila, pero di ko alam if they do that to everyone. or if kung wala ako, ganun din kaya ginagawa nila sa likod ko? *praning praning*

4. andami kong naiiisip! putek. haha. at second day pa lang ng diet ko mukhang masisira ko na agad sha. hehe. saka na ko magdidiet pag may pang-gym nako. hehe.

*end of rant, supposedly*

itong problema ko, problema, wag mo muna ako paprolemahin ha, kasi pinoproblema ko na kung panu ko ihahandle tong pagproproblema ko sa problema mo. haha! sakit sa ulo.

at pucha. maghahanap na ko ng jowangis, di ko na keri to. ayoko na sa kanya, matagal na, at pwede ba, ayokong magkagusto sayo! di tayo talo. hehe. *flips hair*

Thursday, December 27, 2007

yes, i love you. in a way that's quite different from all the other loves i had. and i know you love me too, you've told me too many times. even without me asking, albeit not romantically. i believe you. i don't think you're my soulmate though, and i don't think i want you to. but i want us to be like this, forever.

it pains me that maybe, probably, i love you more than i should. and that sometimes, i feel like it's already clouding my vision of us. of what we should be. we couldn't be lovers, could we? i couldn't even bear to think about it. but i need you. and i'm afraid these last few days of the year would be our last days together.

i'm not afraid of you leaving me for someone, but i'm scared that maybe, probably, you might get hurt. to the point where it might be difficult for you to come back. you know i just want you to be happy whatever it is. and you know that i'll love you no matter what.

and yeah, maybe i really love you more than i should. because honestly, i love you more than "my boys" (that's what you call them), i love you more than being in love. i just want to let you know, just in case. before this moment becomes just another memory in your stash.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

i realized just now how super difficult it is to keep secrets from your friends, especially from those whom you really treasure. you think of what will happen if they learn about it before you even tell them. you think of how they would react, if they'd get disappointed, if they'd still be there for you, if they'd leave...

..and that even if you try so hard to explain, they may not understand...

i'm so tired of lying to myself and to everyone. i know people would find out sooner or later. i'm really sorry. hopefully, i could get this out of my chest even before the year ends.

before it's too late.